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Coronavirus: What Movie Have We Found Ourselves In?

If you have been living underneath a rock for the past month, you’re safe. The Coronavirus or COVID-19 has given most parts of the world a chaotic Blood Punch—I’ve been playing a lot of Doom Eternal. New reports of people being infected across the planet are being released every day and many governments are constantly in second place trying to keep up.

People have been advised to stay home and help flatten the curve of spreading the disease in hopes that the future of the planet doesn’t end up on a bleak note.

Many folks have taken heed to the advice from the CDC and scientist and have chosen to self-quarantine or self-distance themselves from the general public. This has allowed a lot of downtime to catch up on some reading, old projects, and movie or TV series. However, one can’t escape the idea that we might be living in one of the many movie-like disaster scenarios that are part of the pop culture zeitgeist.

With the aid of constantly developing Coronavirus news, rumors, and conspiracy theories, how about we take a little dive into few pieces of film and television to see which future timeline we could be facing.

The Mummy Timeline

The Mummy coronavirus

Let’s go back to the “alright” year of 2019. Archaeologists discovered an ancient sarcophagus in Egypt that housed 30 perfectly preserved mummified bodies. The coffins were estimated to be 3,000 years old and the mummies were believed to be highly respected people like priests and children. Even the Discovery Channel decided to get in on the action by televising the opening of this finding.

Jokes were made on social media on how this was the start of every The Mummy movie and a curse might show its way across the planet.

If that were the case, then it is nice to know that there is a Rick O’Connell type hero out there punching and kicking his way through the armies of Imhotep with a mission to save humanity. In time, our hero will have saved the day and we go back to demanding that mythical Snyder cut.

Pros: Who wouldn’t want to go on an awesome adventure that rivals that of Indiana Jones. Travel across many lands, get the beautiful girl (or guy) and have a few laughs.

Cons: The curse/Coronavirus will more than likely come back multiple times over the years and will just devolve into a sad CGI version of its former self. Your life partner will probably be swapped out with someone that half-asses the adventure as well.

Logan’s Run Timeline

Logan's Run coronavirus

With every mass tragedy that occurs, you can bet there are a ton of conspiracy theories to follow. One theory that has found its way—even in my real life—is the idea that Coronavirus was created in a lab to wipe out the elder and has garnered the title “Boomer Remover”. This joke popped up on Twitter with 65,000 tweets and is about the higher mortality rate among older people infected with the virus.

Many elderly folks have been able to come back in good health after catching this disease, however, you can’t keep a good conspiracy down.

Even if this crazy notion were true, then you can expect a life where the young run wild and technology will be the guiding hand. The future will be without retirement plans, AARP, and senior discounts. Yet, this timeline will most likely shatter society. The idea of a countdown clock on your life is maddening enough and let’s face it; no one is mature before they are 30.

Also, this timeline has a dark secret that involves people over a certain age having to be recycled into food and elder folks being hunted down if they refuse to get with the program.

Pros:  No more worry about taking care of the elder. A trippy hippy good time where the dystopian truth is hidden behind the curtain of free love and not a care in the world.

Cons: No one is making it past 30 and your remains will be used to feed the youth—if you’re lucky.

Children of Men Timeline

Many people claim that Coronavirus only attacks seniors but that’s no longer the case. There have been numerous reports that some children as young as 4 years old have been infected with the virus. Though children’s deaths have not been reported yet, the possibility is still there.

This would perhaps be the darkest timeline. If we learned anything from Alfonso Cuarón, Children of Men is bleak as fuck. No one can bear children and the world’s population dwindles at a steady pace. Maybe there will be a Virgin Mary that will give us hope in the end.

Pros: There are none.

Cons: Depression and suicide rate will skyrocket and with no children around, humanity will eventually end faster than expected.

Y: The Last Man Timeline

Y: The Last Man coronavirus

Recently, White House COVID-19 Task Force director, Dr. Deborah Birx, cited a report from Italy showing that men in nearly every age bracket were dying at higher rates than women. There are numbers given out by official authorities with these findings. Our days are numbered, fellas.

Even though Y: The Last Man is still considered just a comic book, I figured I could use this one because there has been a show in the works for a while. Y: The Last Man is based in a world where everything with a Y-chromones dies. This leads to chaos as the female population is forced to pick up the pieces while Yorick Brown and his pet Capuchin monkey Ampersand—the only living males on Earth—travel across the globe.

Being the last man on Earth doesn’t make you Adam in a sea of Eves. Some might see you as the last hope for humanity, but in reality, that probably wouldn’t be the case. Women will likely have stepped up their game more than ever to ensure that life will go on and don’t need a “Well, actually…” asshole to try and tell them what to do.

Pros: No more fighting for woman’s rights and equality since men won’t be there to stop it.

Cons: If you’re the last man on Earth, get ready to feel what women have been going through under the oppression of men for so long.

Resident Evil Timeline

resident evil coronavirus

Yes, zombies. That tired old trope that many are waiting to happen in real life. A company by the named of hVivo runs a quarantine unit in a laboratory in east London. hVivo—among many other organizations—are taking part in a global effort to find a cure for the virus. So far, the company has found 24 volunteers that will be injected with Coronavirus for payment of £3,500(4,047.47 USD) each.

This is how you get the T-Virus. The idea of skipping directly to human trials without proper research could lead to some disastrous results. Experimenting on humans this early in the game could lead to a new strain of the virus being created. Fuck it, throw in some reanimated corpse and nightmarish lab-grown monster while we got the ball rolling. Load up your weapons and get ready to punch some boulders. We could be in the middle of the first installment of the Resident Evil story.

Pros: People will get to live out their zombie horde fantasy by mowing down the undead with no guilt.

Cons: Have you seen or play Resident Evil?! The walking dead aren’t the only things out there ready to kill you. Ammo becomes limited and rubbing a green herb on your wounds won’t magically heal it. Also, good luck finding that chess piece key to unlocking that mysterious door. There’s a Tyrant in that room looking to smash your head in.

Hopefully, the Coronavirus will cause none of these scenarios to come to life as we seem to be following Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion. Although, the government in that movie had a more effective government and wasn’t being handled by a bunch of idiots in the oval office.

Stay safe, keep 6 feet away from others, avoid large gatherings, and wash your damn hands.

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